Love and friendship

I usually put my all into a friendship and ignore the rest who are not so significant because I would rather use the time to develop more trust with that one person, and for our friendship to flourish into a deeper, more intense one. Trusting the other enough and trusting yourself enough to understand each others' situation.

I don't mind spending my life with just one, two (or a few) people as long as we'll be there for each other no matter what and can understand each other without speaking.

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Each time I'm on the verge of losing someone (losing that closeness with that person), I'll get emotional and really affected because it's not nice to know the person you cherish so much doesn't actually care that much for you.

At that point, it seems as though the whole world is not with you; the one is not there, and the rest you only saw as acquaintances would never bother about you either. I do have friends I love even though we don't share those deep, intense friendships, but they naturally don't affect that much.

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Maybe they feel suffocated when they're with me, and it doesn't help that I unintentionally show my emotions, making situations so tense. I don't how they interpret my behaviour, they probably think I'm angry with them when all I felt was jealousy, loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted.

Throughout these two years, I ended up with these feelings countless times. Now I've finally begun to not love anybody as much over here, so I wouldn't be hurt when they leave me. Perhaps I'm expecting too much because I myself place so much importance in that friendship.

It's tough to not expect. It's a horrible feeling to know you're protecting yourself by not loving as much. I don't want to go on like that forever. I want to love the few with all my heart and soul. I don't want my heart to turn stone cold just because of a few bad experiences.

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What I've learnt about this school (in general, of course) Most people are only capable of helping and caring for others when their own lives are managed, myself included.

Everybody here puts studies over everything else. I know that's the life of a JC student, but it's different for other colleges for they see the importance of balancing work and play/friends, in my opinion. And they don't have to spend THAT much time on the books.

Took me long enough to understand this. It's not like they're particularly selfish, it's a human thing. I shouldn't have expected anyone to care, I shouldn't have let myself be so affected by those enough to screw my emotions and studies over.

Now I'm not even capable of helping myself or others. I'm sorry I haven't been doing too much for others because my life itself is in a mess. I think I could say the rest for everyone else. I'm really not implying they're selfish, it's only important to get a hold of own lives first.

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The next time round, I'll understand situations better so I wouldn't let hurt govern my emotions and my well being. If I had understood it earlier, I'll probably be scoring much better and caring more for others as well. But what's the use of looking back? I can only make full use of time now and not commit this mistake ever again.

The only reason why I'm better is because someone has brightened my days. I guess we learn who we can cherish with time.



I'll end this with one of my favourite songs of all time:

Queen - Too much love will kill you

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are rainin' down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long, ohoo
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growin' up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been lookin' back to find
Where I went wrong

Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down, ooohh
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
Oh there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm about to lose
Oho oh!

Yeah, too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time

Yeah, too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end...
In the end...